Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.
– The Conductor, The Polar Express
I haven’t watched The Polar Express, but that is some wisdom from an animated film.
In the past few months, there has been some struggle in the area of trusting God, because of the inability to see. See what, I hear you ask. I think, more specifically, it was the inability to see from His perspective and His faithfulness. I was more concerned about seeing in the physical, while He wanted to train me to see with eyes of faith.
This dates back to about 6 months ago, at a time when the production of the documentary, Abiding Hope, (see “running the show” on right of page) was going on. I started having feelings of dissatisfaction and unfulfillment in my work in the ministry. I couldn’t put a finger to why I felt that way but dismissed it as my walk with God was inconsistent at that time, and thought that I was dissatisfied because spiritually, I wasn’t eating and drinking deeply. However, those feelings came to haunt me every couple of months, even in seasons when I was walking closely with God. It was then that I knew there was a genuine issue somewhere.
Early this year, the production of Abiding Hope met with some bumps. We had a very hard time trying to find a middle-aged man to re-enact the role of the father. The production got delayed month after month, and I, as the producer, was losing steam. It had been, thus far, the longest production process I’d ever been in, and it felt like we were going nowhere. I just wanted to get it over and done with. I felt that the administrative work of a producer was weighing down on me and sapping my energy, leaving me feeling bored and unchallenged.
By the time the third casting audition was scheduled, we had run out of ways to advertise that we were looking for actors, and exhausted all the contacts we knew. No one came forward for that particular audition.
As there were other ministry events that needed our immediate attention, my team leader made an executive decision to suspend the production. My responsibility as the producer was over! Well, almost. For the short-term anyway. But as much as there was a sense of relief in my spirit that I wasn’t going to be occupied by administrative tasks, my heart had begun to wonder what was God’s purpose in calling me to WAP. I had also begun to entertain thoughts that perhaps I should leave full-time ministry for a while, to acquire a skill to develop myself in a way that WAP is not doing so.
1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
– Psalm 23:1-3, emphasis mine
Tears threatened to roll down my eyes as Pastor Kai (one of the pastors from church) recited Psalm 23 as he told a personal story to illustrate his point. God had reminded him of that psalm when he was doubting his call as a pastor, and there I was, wondering if God had indeed called me to full-time ministry in this season of my life. God had used Psalm 23 (more specifically Verse 3b) to reassure me of that call 3 years ago. To top that of, in the second part of Pastor Kai’s story, he alluded a pair of new shoes he had to buy to a brand new life that embraces Christ, an exact symbol I used in the very first film I made with WAP. Deep in my heart, I knew God was telling me that I am at the right place at the right time and I was not to leave this ministry for somewhere else. Yet, that still did not leave me without doubt.
I “argued” with God that if He had called me, why wouldn’t He simply tell me the purpose for which I am called? And, why wouldn’t He give me a physical confirmation in my support-raising, something that I’ve been struggling with for so long because the monthly pledges only seem to decrease?
Yes, support-raising was part of the issue too.
Man must be disappointed with the lesser things of life before he can comprehend the full value of the greater.
– Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
If there is one emotion in the world that I dislike the most, and would tend to reject, it would be disappointment. When I sense possible disappointment, I’d try to suppress the feeling and move on in as much faith as I can muster up.
But this time I couldn’t hide the disappointment anymore.
I felt disappointed with God. I wondered why He didn’t answer my prayers. I felt He wasn’t showing up. I was stuck in my walk with God ‘cos I didn’t see a point in praying to someone I was disappointed in. However, despite being upset with God, I could still sense Him nudging me towards Him through my instincts and the people who love me.
Funnily enough, I would still instinctively pray, asking God to hold the rain and help me catch the last train. I would still instinctively say, “Thank You, Jesus,” when those prayers were answered. In my disappointment, when I thought myself so much of a hypocrite because I couldn’t surrender my life fully yet still needed (and wanted) to run to Him for things, I realized that my closest relationships would fall apart without Him. He also brought along my mentors who showed concern, exposed the fallacies in my thinking, and set up a prayer appointment way before this meltdown that helped me to see His perspectives and come to a point of choosing to trust His call on my life and His promises.
Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse.
– Philip Yancey, Disappointment With God
No one likes to be tested, definitely not me. But I know this faith of mine needs to be tested and tried. The heat is on, but God promises a greater glory in holding on, abiding, in being faithful.
In the midst of what I felt emotionally, I couldn’t even make sense of the point of His presence. To be frank, I didn’t really want to hang out with Him. But I knew He was there, silently holding things together, giving me grace and being very patient with me. Now that I’ve chosen to trust, I see His encouragement all around — the little revelations of how He was growing me, passages of Scripture that speak of His faithfulness and great heart of love, and a blessed conversation with a friend where I reminded myself that all that matters is knowing Him.
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Thank you for reading.
Please pray for me. I’m trusting God for His providence in support-raising according to His promise in Philippians 4:19, “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
